[To all my heels, jobbers, and versatile, I wish you a Merry Christmas. I hope that you all enjoy my stories. An extra special shoutout to those who take the time to comment or offer suggestions. I truly appreciate those; they let me know if you do or do not like what I am doing. I hope you all get what you want for Christmas from jolly old Heel Nick.]
A Visit from Heel Nick
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
of jobbers,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a sobber;
The slaves were hung by the chimney with care,
Their balls exposed with a flare,
Their excitement was in the air
In hopes that Heel Nick soon would be there;
The heels were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of ballbusting danced in their heads;
And daddy in his ’kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our junks for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a shirtless daddy, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be Heel Nick,
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Nutcracker! now, Ballbuster! now, Low Blow and Trickster!
On, Chocker! on, Gouger! on, Puncher and Cheater!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and Heel Nick too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The stomping and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Hell Nick came with a bound.
He was dressed all in leather, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with sweat and soot;
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a sadist just opening his pack.
His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a cigar he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a hairy chest and a chiseled belly,
That didn’t shake when he laughed, because he had skipped the Deli.
He was muscled and cut, a right jolly old elf,
And I drooled when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a node of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And punched all the balls; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up in the air his foot rose;
His leg sprang in the air, giving a whistle,
And his foot slammed into my balls just like a missile,
My hands dropped to my groin, and I let out a roar,
As I crumpled to the floor.
He laughed as he ascended the fireplace, Saying
“That is where you should be laying,”
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle,
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Ballbusting to all, and to all an unfair fight."
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